Fancy going mad by the mere thought of being read.

Not so new year

2012-01-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

Began this year with a haircut.
And nothing else.
Resolutions need not stated for the year, kept instead on the most retrievable part of the mind. Mostly because all are recycled ones. I'm not ashamed to admit this *hands on my shoulders and eyes looking skyward*.

One thing for sure, the end of last year was (personally) a blast.

Though i don't feel brand new this year, largely coz i feel like it shouldn't be a year yet, plans for 2012 are aplenty.

One of it is to write more. MORE. Mcm penah dgr kan harapan ini? Mmg harapannn.

I'm begging myself this time. Like, really beg. (** ringtone handphone serta alarm clock waktu pg adalah 'Begging by Madcon'. Speaking of self-indoctrination.

Happy new year to everyone, whether i mean it or not.
Yea, I'm juxtaposed, like that.

Teletoby

2011-10-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

It's been very long since i last have a crush on a guy on TV. But when watching the Season 1's finale of Pretty Little Liars recently, i have, once again, reduced myself to a screaming teenager.

Check out this clip from the finale. I find Toby Cavanaugh a sweet sensitive sexy thing. To fall in love again is to watch this. Eceh. If u have a thing for deep sorrowful dolphin-like eyes and imperfect facial features and geeky hair and gentle voice and contradictorily, six-pax abs, like me..well then maybe u'll understand.

Finale clip 1

Finale clip 2

I'm a happy worm.

2011-10-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

:PP
:))
:DD

It is quite an experience going to the booksale today.  Firstly, it is the first time i ever set feet at Mardi's MAEPS. Yeah, kill me already.  After what, more than 5 years living nearby? Haha. And it's also the first time i get to ride their cute shuttle and loving every bit of it.  The ride is breezy and at certain point, it does feel like i've been transported to another far away place. Like, seriously. MAEPS is nice-looking but it's indisputably flat and well, rather empty.   So it feels rather surreal when a place as flat can be chilly and breezy to some point.

Okay,
Initially, I wanted to go to the booksale way earlier than 10am but i refrain myself because i do not want to appear over-excited and too book-wanton in front of my colleagues. No one in the office is really as excited as i am, to tell the truth. Therefore when i arrive there at approximately 15 past ten, there are already so many people.  I, being rather suprised and grief-stricken, can only shout vehemently in my heart, "Woi, korang ni xde umah ker??". Like, very vehemently. Tension ok. They all wear "seluar katok" indicating that they're not working. Motif, i ponteng. Ekeke.

Still I got to parked my car in the first line of the parking space provided, only to find that i have to wait for the shuttle anyway to be taken to the hall, which, makes the berebut for first line parking spot rather pointless. Chet. I do not have to wait long anyway.  The shuttles appear every 5 minutes from up the hill and i am all a-smiling seeing them shuttles been painted according to the animal, vegetable or flower they've been named after. Like shuttle "Ikan" is painted all with cartoonish fishes. They also have shuttle "Seladang", "Ziraffah" and "Burung Unta".   How cute is that? :D

I got to hop on one "Bunga Raya" shuttle.

Meet shuttle Nenas & shuttle Cili Padi.

Flat x? Flat x?! Kalah KLIA.

Velcome! Velcome!

Although there are many people but the hall isnt crowded, which makes the book-hunting easy and convenient. God knows that the MAEP hall is one gigantic place that i feel like my arms can get dislocated browsing around while carrying the books that i have chosen. No wonder many bring trolley pasar malam. And the books, whoa.. i feel like buying all 1.5 millions of them. There are some that i dont really fancy, but the idea of having so much book is just delicious. Lazzat. Period.

Kelazzatan.

The part that is not so lazzat. The queing to the cashier part. At this point i have also bersila on the floor. Ada yg siap bawa bekal & berkelah. I am beyond famished at this point.

One of my famous purchases.

This much is all i manage to carry. 12 books altogether. Thanks to my sanity and conscience that still managed to whisper i have but 2 hands. Lest i'll end up buying more. Ni pon dah senget bahu berator. But 12 in one go is still the most i've ever bought in my books-buying record. Like ever. So a tap on my back.

Before (vain n minta penampar. Biasa ni self-snap dlm toilet)

After (penat complete dgn effect dark circle).

Till another 12 books next week.

Bye nk blk bc buku. membaca jambatan ilmu.

Big big bad Wolf.

2011-10-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

I could be crying while writing this.

I had been waiting for it for weeks. I slept thinking biographies, ate seeing novels and fictions, showered feeling graphic comic pouring on me. Scary, i know. But that's just how much i had been anticipating it.

I thwarted myself from talking about it to another soul. I was just too much consumed with greed i couldnt bring myself to even mention it to anyone; for fear that they would attack the Wolf first before me. Thus, i confided only in Aren. My only one. Huhu. Our daily night calls ware filled with my revised and updated list of to-buys. He got to listen only of my endearments towards them books, and sometimes this talk of insecurities if ever what's on my list couldnt be found the day i attacked the Wolf yada yada. Aren could have already memorised by heart my lines, my list, my budgeting. And of course, my devised and re-devised plan of the day. Consequently, he'd became as excited and wish nothing but to have me at the Wolf soonest. Ha-ha mengelat.

Thus this morning, i woke up feeling giddy and light-headed. I bathed and dressed earlier than i usually do. I chose the longer route to work simply coz i wanna passed the hall where the Wolf would be held. Seeing the signages of the wolf leading up to the hall gave me warm feelings. What brought even better feelings were the bigger sign of "75% off" and "1.5 million books".

Yes, everyone. Yes! My favorite book sale has arrived today. At no other place but MAEPS which is just a stone's throw away from my office. The.Big.Bad.Wolf.Book.Sale. I am so gamed and ready to attack it at 10 this morning. Watch me everyone. Watch me... (sambil mengelap-gelap hingus)

Wait till i come back to boast about the material of my dreams these past few weeks. And till all in my embrace-i bid everyone ciao for now!

Boys from Mars, Girls from Venus.

2011-09-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

Went to Abalong's to celebrate 2 of his children's birthday. Both birthdays happen to be in Sept, with just 2 days gap. So Long had to, whether he wanted it or not, hold at least a small makan2.
The night after the small party, all my niece and nephews gathered in my bedroom to literally abuse my netbook (berebut nk main game). I was about to sleep and couldnt care less. Went to the toilet only to realised that i'd left my toothbrush at home. I got back into the bedroom and announced,

"Okay. Makteh tertinggal berus gigi. Sape nk pinjamkan berus gigi kat mak teh, angkat tgn"

All the boys (3 of them) automatically raised their hand. The youngest siap ready to race to the toilet to show me which one is his toothbrush. And the eldest of the boys, eyes still glued on the netbook screen, simply told me which color is his toothbrush. Semua berlumba2 nk pinjamkn berus gigi.

But Fiqa, my niece, gave a cry of "Euwwwww" at both me and her brothers, all at the same time when everyone else was excitedly giving me instruction to go find their brush.

Now, why do i always complaint at having more nephews (than niece)?
ha-ha.

11 September

2011-09-13T18:30:00.001-07:00

A date that everyone remembers with horror and sadness. The loss of innocent lives. The tributes and monuments and vows of “we will never forget”. Even here in my faraway corner of the world, I feel nothing but sorrow for the undeserving victims of that fateful day.

But what about the hundreds of Iraqi and Afghan families scarred by American ammunition on a daily basis? The loss of their children? The damages which were not limited to a pair of twin towers, but entire cities? Where are their tributes? Where are their wreaths and monuments of remembrance? Why don’t they have anniversary documentaries? Who “will never forget” them?

Are they worth less because they’re not as well heard as you?

- Melmaureen Rizal.

T.M

2011-08-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

All of my Ramadhan had always been filled with her presence, physically or spiritually.

So much that she had instilled in me, in soft or reprimanding tone, that i know i most owe it to her for the person i have become.

Learnt from her most were the lesson on actual fasting and praying deeds.

The realization that i can no longer see her large warm hands on the pots and pans in our kitchen,the steady gaze of her deep-set eyes, her small body on the sajadah, her starchy clothing and her neat little room that smelled talcumy, bring me poignant grief and desolation.

But knowing that she gained shafaat with every lesson she taught me practiced, i know she is in a better place now.

To my beloved Tok Mek, Siti Zabedah M.Z,

I am coping well going through this second Ramadhan without you. I do miss our tarawikh together, i miss our subuh prayers, i miss your stories about Lailatul Qadar and other karamah of this holy month and i miss having sedate sahur & iftar with you. Terribly..

But what i miss most is your gentle nagging on my occasional ignorance.

Living alone, reminders of all the things that really matter are all i need.

So again, i miss you.

I wont be praying by your grave this Syawal but you know i will wherever i am, whenever the thought of you comes to mind.

Allah will be kind to you. There is no doubt about it.
Still, here's for you.

Al-fatihah.

********************

"Jika memang masih bisa mulut ku berbicara,

Santun kata yang ingin terucap,

Kan ku dengar caci dan puji dirimu padaku."

-Jika/ Melly Goeslow

Alien

2011-08-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

Boring dgn kemalasan.
Boring dgn kemelesetan.
Boring dgn byk benda lagi.
Boring dok sorang, mkn sorng, sahur sorang, tido sorng, berak sengsorang. Ya, kdg2 berak mmg memboringkn. Keji.

Boring dgn Facebook. Teramat boring smpi rs diri bodoh stil layan benda tu. . Mmg seorg masochist. Sebaek msh ada sahabat2 baik utk dijadikn alasan kukuh.

Boring dgn blog ni. Kosong, hitam, shallow. Superego slalu berkata, "delete!", tp ntah kenapa diabaikan dgn jayanya.

Bosan dgn perkara2 kecil, perkara2 remeh yg sering dibesar-besarkn. Semua org sekeliling adalah magnifiying glass. Bygkn kepala mereka bulat, berkaca dan enlarging sifatnye. Mmg rasa nk tumbuk. Kalaulah dulu belajar tomoi.

Boring dgn tag-tag dari peniaga online. Ya, rezeki mmg harus di cari dan diusahakan. Tp kdg2 ia menjadi satu mcm nuisance yg sgt murahan & memualkan. Kalau saja apa yg dijual adalah exclusive and one of its kind, maybe syaiton dlm diri akn lebih tolerant. Motif.  Syaiton dlm diri katanyer. Syaiton juga yg disalahkan.

Boring dgn komitment2 yg menuntut masa- tenaga. Tp nk bawa diri dok sorang2 dlm hutan , xde stamina pula. Terasa diri loser. Yikes.

Boring dgn lagu2 sama kat radio. Nape la Malaysia xde channel antarabangsa. Takat Ryan Seacrest kat Fly.fm tu sgt xrelevan.  Beliau xappreciative pon dgn local muzik kita. Takat gossip hollowood kat Hello! pon boleh baca kott.

Boring dgn salah faham, salah anggapan yg berlaku hari2. Boring dgn gossip-gossip liar & org2 yg suka jg tepi kain org. Org yg anti social mcm i pon nk query.  Maybe i ada karisma tersendiri.  Kahkah.

Boring dgn narcicism.

Ini cuma barangkali internal conflict seorang alien.
Abaikan.

Ramadhan Kareem

2011-08-05T01:48:00.001-07:00

Between the form of fasting and the substance of it, i choose and always hope to prioritise the latter.

Happy fasting to family, friends and all muslims.
Hope that this is the most meaningful Ramadhan ever for everyone:)

Arbitrary

2011-07-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

Down with flu, cough, and some illness of the tummy.
Down too with the news of a dear colleague's death, received precisely before i get the chance to pay her a visit at lunchtime today:'C.
But it's Friday and Friday is often an happy day.
For one thing, those who passed on on Friday is said to be exempted from siksa kubur. Amin, amin. Hopefully kak Putri's will be among those souls who're blessed by His mercy and compassion.
For another, hubs is coming back again (surprise surprise!). With my current health state & a sad news, nothing could be more welcoming than a shining amour. Muntah? Ehehe.
To top the randomness of this post, i would like to wish a bestie happy birthday. She was born on this very date some 20 something years ago (I'm in the sisterhood so i'm much obliged for the secrecy hehe). Much happy besday Cheq. Love ya. Treat our recent karok session as a pre-celebration for ur birthday k. May we remain to each other the persons whom we can always be our true self with.
Like this:

"kau kuncihhh... cintakuuh... di dalam hati mu.."

Bimbo-bimbo sekalian.
xoxo

DON'T QUIT

2011-07-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

-Unknown

Naga bora

2011-07-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

So tired of facing the same issues.
the foundation of it might not be as messed-up as what comes after. But still.
Like that real thing everyone thought they have. Heh. The sturdy framework, maybe, but an insubstantial build. Pathetically useless.

Feels like quitting at certain point, but which point? and quit what?
If only you know that the heart is a lump of blood, you wouldnt clench it to produce more.

I cant be the justice u hope me to be anymore. Sometime it's not worth an understanding.

If ever you wanna find your way back now,
please know that you're on your own.

Bee for Bond

2011-07-12T01:38:00.000-07:00

In conjuction with the release of Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon, i would like to officially declare that i've changed the name of my wagon to Bumble Bond.

Eheh.

Maybe i should think of colouring it yellow next. Considering the scrathes. huh.

Bet & bond.

lariiiiii!!

Ibu kite

2011-07-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

I stopped by my mother in law's house on my way frm work yesterday. She said she wanted to pass me some durians & bananas. Excited gilos dgr nk dpt durians.

But since i was fasting i got a lot more >_<

Rezeki berpuasa. Dpt buah-buahan, lauk-pauk &kasih-syg.

:))))

Arms

2011-07-06T00:41:00.000-07:00

The melody of this song takes me to places i feel like i've been to, but of which i dont quite remember. N there's rough edges to Perry's voice that 's just evocative. Maybe the song reminds me of home after all. Oh well. Things arent d same anymore. There's no longer a definite home for me but one where my heart is. I begin to fully agree with the phrase. But god knows that my heart is in so many places. The most frequent- it's in where i first learn to climb jambu tree, learn to fear pacat & learn to built perspectives of all things literary. That place is no longer inhibited, left abandoned coz a hard life must be passed by. In any way. We move forward, we turn to look back, but we just never retreat. Nor we quit.

Says my favorite poet, Muhammad Hj Salleh,
"the way home is a long lane, lost in the undergrowth"

Like the persona in his poem, i couldnt find my real home back, wherever it is, whatever its definition. Hence, the nostalgia i guess.
Coz all i have now are just arms, of which often absent.

The book

2011-06-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

The holy qoran is undoubtedly the greatest literature:

"Sanggupkah kau menderhaka kepada tuhan-Mu. Sedang neraka lebih dekat kepadamu dari tali kasutmu"

"Apakah engkau menemukan rumah untukmu yg lebih baik dr rumah-Ku? Apakah engkau menemukan teman yg lebih baik dr berteman dgn-Ku? Demi kemuliaan dan KeagunganKu jika engkau melihat neraka jahanam, pastilah engkau akan menangis mengeluarkan nanah sebagai ganti air mata dan engkau akan memakai besi bagi mengantikan kain".

Marvellous marvellous.

A dream comes true

2011-06-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ahak, tajuk yg lame di situ. but check this out:

It has been a dream of hubs to have his shirt donned by Fasha Sandha.

Well, here u go dear.

Haven't met you yet

2011-06-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

I thought, and i thought of every possibility.

= X

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make it work, so we can work to work it out
And i promise you, kid, that i give so much more than i get.

I just haven't met you yet.

-Micheal Buble

Fasting and foreseeing beatification

2011-06-16T01:23:00.000-07:00

It's the time of the year. Ganti-puasa time :D

This is my fourth day of ganti-puasa and already i'm feeling like i'm actually fasting in the month of Ramadhan. When clock-out time appcroaches, i will make mental note to go get cold Air Tebu (and murtabak Hafiz) at the Ramadhan Bazaar. But of course there is no bazaar. Just my wishful thinking.

A couple of hours ago, i bugged my old friend in Kuching with a phone text of -"I miss u and nasi kerabu USM", which is rather offensive if she hasnt know me yet. Well.

I also hope today is Tuesday coz it's the day Putrajaya's Precint 2 held their psr mlm.  I tell u, they sell one of the tastiest, creamiest, most original Kueh Akok in all Selangor. Just thinking of the "kedut" on the particular delicacy makes me gulp down a mouthful of saliva. Yucky, i know. But fullfilling in the least.

Think, i also miss my mom's cooking. But she's close by now.  If i have severe craving for her cooking i think she'll be just too happy to provide me. Like anytime, anywhere. Ramadhan this year is going to be something.

All i'm saying is that, i can't help but to miss Ramadhan and wishing that it's here already. Like honestly. Not just coz i miss all the foods and the bazaars, but also- the feel, the taste and the ambience of the month. There's something beatific about the month, just like all the memories that i used to have of it. Hopefully, i'll live to welcome it again this year.  To cherish it better than i ever cherished it in the years that passed. To make use of the mosque which is exactly opposite my current doorstep. To buy again, dates and cordial. To iftar with mothers, whom i have but two now.

I also hope i'll live to celebrate it for the first time ever, as a wife.

Sometimes,
life just feel so complete with simple thoughts. And simple hopes.

From Taiping with Love

2011-05-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

To Tepeng again for a colleague bestie's big day.

This time around with Umi in tow (for the belated Mother's day celeb uhuh).

Hubs kept Umi from trippin.

Umi n I having a good mother-daughter time.

Us again, having a good posing time=)

Umi with my present (purposely to show Ai. Alice sle take note hehe)

The pengantin.

Footnote: Had a great lunch at Wein's before the Tasek's visit. Got to see her baby bump. She's super fair now that i announced loudly it must have been because the baby is a gegirl. Envious. Period.

Honesty is a lonely word

2011-05-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

The prospect of living under one roof this year has now gone down the drain.
Hubs called in the wee hour last night, and i remembered how vestiges of sleep left me the minute he told me the news. His transfer had been rejected.

I didnt hide my dissapointment though hubs disclosed last night's conversation with a new prayer.

Overcame with bitterness, i felt way weary to renew my hopes for the near years to come. My good friend Tek, has gone through worse. Thus seeing her struggle getting the transfer, i dont have much faith for ours . Don't mean to sound so pessimistic. But hopes can be paralysing sometimes. I also remember Tek's efforts- going through a lot, climbing the stairs of KPM n JPN n even the respective schools she hoped to be trabsfered to (apart from filling the app form), years after years, but all were in vain. It totally blew me off. When we do it in honest-to-god ways to get what we want, people dont value it. They dont even take our difficulties into consideration. They would rather we go by the back door before they could really approve what we want. Seriously, our people are so corrupted with the culture of 'cable' & 'connection' that they became blinded with what's suppose to be just. It's plain unfair okay.

Frustrated tahap cipan, though i thought i've prepared myself for this. But then again...(insert super-long pause). And i thought i should just say no more. Words are not to be wasted on those who dont comprehend honesty.

Hey you who've made my hubs' transfer impossible. This one's for you:

Cute means physically distorted & adorable

2011-05-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

Got teary eyed watching this. Found it on a friends' tumblr.

Sniff, sniff

Encyclopedic weekend

2011-05-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

I jis realised that i've exhausted all CUTIs for my wedding late last year.
Just realised..after what? six months? like yeah, i could be that ignorant sometimes. Oh, oh, and i've actually taken more CUTI than i deserved that if my superior got to check my profile, he might have to cut my salary as reimbursement for the extra leaves. LLOSERR.

My new series of cuti will only be registered this July. July, which is a month after June. And June is when the school holiday will be happening. Like,like, i'm so screwed. There goes all my school holiday plans with hubs. Haatyai lah. PerhentianIsland lah. Ke laaaut.

The important goal to reach (to me weeks ago) was actually to go snorkeling with hubs. I imposed to him that the June holiday would be the only right time. School holiday bulan Dec nnti sure dah banjir. And since we're going bec to my hometown, Perhentian seems like a good choice... coz we can car pool with cuzzies.. And Haatyai. Welp. Welp. But without CUTI this kinda of talk is unnessacery rite? Adeh adeh, nyut nyut.

Fortunately, though on a whim, when he managed to come back for the weekend last week, Hubs took me here:

and here:

and i'd like to think that he was actually making up for our now impossible snorkeling & holiday plans=)

i must admitt that i was rather sceptic when hubs told me we're going to Aquaria. Like, Aquaria? (registered in mind that time, were us in a large Ribena costumes)

But when we're actually at it, to say the least, it felt like i was actually snorkeling walking (and not swimming, which is a thousand times more convenient) and loving every underwater creatures that i've got to see there.

Like hey, check out these tortoises/turtles. the one on the top is actually a soft shell turtle. Very fragile and cute looking. Owh, i almost cried!

And the fishes:

Clockwise: Pirahnna, Arapaima, Shark, Jelly fish.

They wrote there that the size of the creatures we see were 30% smaller than their actual size. Whoa.

*Some serious longing i have there.

And someone in flesh whom i can actually hide behind when these kind of furry creatures came in view. Yikes!

We went to petrosains afterwards but i enjoyed Aquaria a 100x more than i did Petrosains. Espesially when i kept losing to hubs in all the science games we played Angen. However, for one particular game (where we use our brainwave to push a ball into our competitor's goal), i kinda won half-way. Shows that i have more inner strenght than hubs. hehe, but still, half-won (i was a strong contender nonetheless. terkial2 Kamu nk tolak bola tu). Boooo.

We ended out trip at Atlantis (the shop selling Aquaria's goods) and have an askew self-potrait=)

All in all, it was a great trip. But because it was unplanned, we didnt bring our camera. All the pic were taken with my hp. Huhu. Still, it was one splendid weekend and for now, it suffice to coax me into getting over the cancelled holiday plan. Welp, for now lah.

Till all else come true.
=)

Post utk bacaan sendiri

2011-05-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah and last night i watch Liga Super Kelantan Vs N9. Serious? Seriousssssssss.

Though, I lamented to myself why i ever fated to watch such game. A game which ended draw, walaupon ada cubaan menyumbat goal 2x dr Kelantan. Offside ke off-tune?

Semangat kenegerian put aside (for i never have one), i think N9 really need to find a new keeper. Adeke siap tampar kepala org. Kalau dlm EPL ke hape ke sure dah dpt kad merah. Tp pengadil smlm??

Serious nk menjerit (n dah menjerit), "berambusss la kau dr padang!!!"- both to the keeper and the referee.

Terus tringat kata2 hikmat dr Abah, peminat Bola Sepak plg Ulung (dan semua sukan lain termsk snooker). *hangen*

Kata beliau, "Org pompuan xyah lah tgk bola. Bingit telinga abah"

@_@

Aye, aye.

Kamu

2011-05-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a somewhat amateurish post i wrote somewhere in May, years ago, right after i met this one simple looking guy. Little i knew of what he would mean to me today.

Here's to you, my second half,

Kamu

But amazing how i finally hate lenses.
i mean ones that were cast my way.
But u called 'Kamu!!'
i was reluctant but like being eletrocuted, i turned nonetheless.
for that split second
i had a sudden realization that i was tired of being the first daughter in the family.
the big sister.
the wedding planner for other people.
tired of the the knocking of doors and students outside needing assistance,
the helper that was me.

U called "kamu!!", and for once i felt young again. Just a kid. Not the big sister or the filial piety person.

So i looked right at ur lens, which clicked like a third eye.
And let you snapped me smiling like never before.
And perhaps, never again.
**

Happy anniversary, love.

****

"One day you’ll meet a stranger

And all the noise is silenced in the room

You’ll feel that you're close to some mystery

In the moonlight and everything shatters

You feel as if you’ve known him all your life

The world’s oldest lesson in history

- Untill/ Sting

Why Serdang why

2011-05-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

Why the congested traffic every morning?
My waking up earlier doesnt seem to be of value to u.

Why the gray air?
The rows of old trees dont seem to be of any use to u.

Why the new construction?
The little remaining hills and space dont seem of any relief to u.

and those have all got me asking,
Why am i still with u?

The little contemplation doesnt seem of much choice to me.

For this is just a cornered life i'm passing.

Jailbreak

2011-04-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today.

I have set free a slave in me.

Bye for now, Facebook.

TTYL.

Four eyes

2011-04-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Provided that it's barely there, so i get my eyes to acquiesce to it.

Here is a giant leap in my personal diary where the matter of eye-caring is concerned. I was never really a regular specky since secondary school, though i was short-sighted.  Used to 'mengelat' by hanging my glasses at the upper slit of my baju skolah..  Refuse to wear them the normal way for fear of bad looking tudung.  & by and by, i found myself crashing it under my feet while was too gedik striding along with clique. See, i didnt notice it slipped my upper baju but it's not like i could not predict that.  Hurm, gedikness and prasan cun are just soo overrated. Ptui.

Welp! maybe undergrad years was a bit different. Those were the years where the geek became the new hottie. Budget cool memakai spec Clark Kent. But at least i wore the spec regularly then, and was not too poyo to think that nice shapely tudung is everything. Well, maybe it was... i was a bit OCDic, u see? But yeah... it's rather cool also getting recognised by the thickness of my spectacles' frame while remaining incognito for most part. People went "Bet who?" & besties (who were much known) would go.. "Ala yg pakai spec bingkai tebal dinding tuuuu".  But you see, i was also doing it for the exterior. Soo, again- another "Ptui!".

Now, after 5 loyal years to the contact lenses (that sucks much protein from my eyes), i'm starting to think of Hijrah. Or rather, a re-Hijrah. I'm gonna go back the traditional way in conserving these precious two gems from Allah. And i'm gonna go academician way this time around. It suits my bearing in life. Thus i opt for something that exudes a sense of  maturity and inteligensia (as the Indons put it) and reject all pretension to be something else other than my own means & person.

Yeah, though determining with the re-Hijrah, i still try to compromise (i need some getting use to, okay) by taking one that seems barely there (ptuii, ptuii, ptuiiiih)

Oh, well it's just me. With all this melalut talking and determining, i still cant tell if i'll stick to it.  But i must try (surely i can try, aite?). And this is the start.

Just wish me luck.
It's not easy to be regularly four-eyed. Again.
=)

***

"They said someday you'll find,

All who love are blind"

-The Platter/ Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.

GLEE

2011-04-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

On ten random situations that make me feel like a total LOSER:

1) When at a parking entrance, i unwind my window to take the parking ticket, only to find that it's the window back seat that's winding down. Not the one by the pilot seat. Adeh (!*)

2) When realising that i dont know the name to a person who turned out to know me.

3) When i wake up late even after i have had planned to wake up early.

4) When singing along a song that i thought i know, but finding that the singer is singing one thing, and i'm the other.

5) When my tudung is not behaving well.

6) When i'm stealing a look at someone and is caught doing it. Dang!

7) When i dont watch my words and they happen to hurt a person's feeling, though unintentionally.

8) When i loathe a person and finding that i loathe her no less. (It's not what i want, this business of loathing) =(

9) When calling someone (to catch-up for instance) and finding that someone thinks my call is a nuisance and the cause of her/his depression.

10) When realizing that i have made a bad choice.

On being a bimbo occasionally.

2011-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to have a bengkel on some form-filling skills this morning.
But i've just decided not to go simply coz my tudung is not behaving and looking well today.

What?

I'm a girl ocayy.

Stop with the judging look alreadyy.

On What Jane Eyre Told Me Once.

2011-04-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

Or was it Charlotte Bronte really?=)

"Dread remorse when you are tempted to err..

Remorse is the poison of life"

I agree, and so i must remember.

Berusaha!

Lat

2011-04-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

Planning is the activity to do when alone at home. So that when hubs is back, executioning can begin pronto.

And last weekend, one item got to be ticked in the long list of things that i had been planning for us.

See those cartoons character on the balconys? yep! they're from Lat the Musical, all!

Mmg props dia stellar!

Dan plakon kanak2 stellar juga.

But in terms of story telling, I do wish that they'll narrate more of Lat's comraderie with Frankie in the musical. Everybody seemed to enjoy Frankie's antics so much. To top it, the friendship that they have between them was also special. I gather this from the compilation of Lat's Kampung Boy since my pre-teen. The thing i used to love most about Lat's cartoons & narrated life was his inter-racial friendship with Frankie (besides his use of out-of-this world metaphors=)) It was so unprejudiced. And the way Lat tolerated Frankie's eccentricities depicts his undivided loyalty and understanding to Frankie regardless of their differences. But the musical can only be staged for 2-3 hours top. And for a biographical play, it's rather short a time. futhermore, it is call Lat The Musical (& not 'Lat&Frankie The Musical'). So i just dont know why i'm blabbering here. Blah! So much for my habit of critisicing every movie & play watched. *yawn*.

Yeah, but i do hope they'll do 'Kampung Boy to Pekan Boy The Musical' next time. That way they maybe will focus more on Lat's experience and outlook of both Kampung n Pekan life where Farnkie will be so much involved. Hehe (Nak jugak)

Baiklah. Here's us stealing a shot outside IB.

Till the next executioned plan and play!

Harem Pants, as i never know it.

2011-03-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm no liberalist but in the matter of civic conciousness (mispelled, i know), i often learn from the West n the non-muslims.

Venue: KFC
Characters: Me, Hubs, 2 hip omputehs

The KFC was jammed packed n we only managed to get a table which was just recently been abandoned. Therefore, the table was littered. Hubs went on to the counter for orders and i waited at the table for the waiter to come clean it.

One table away frm us were 2 young female omputehs. I admired the Harem pants wore by one of them so i kept stealing look at her theehehe. So vintage one. When hubs arrived at my table with food, i immediately told him of the Harem pants.

"i know u would like it. I saw the minah salleh at the counter b4 she seated herself there n i thought, u'd be having ur eyes on the pants", Hubs had that impish 'i-knew-it' look on his face n its annoying.

But I grinned despite feeling menyampah at Hub's pride in finding me predictable.
I am a book when it comes to fashion, after all.

For awhile we forgot the omputehs n just feasted on the forever-loved Snack Plate. I did complained of the slow service though, because our table was still pretty much littered. The cleaning boy seemed so busy with other tables. We simply pushed some of the scattering rubbish to a side, not bothering to look for other clean empty table as we were just famish.

Then up to the end of our hearty meal, we saw the two minah sallehs stood up while taking the trays with them. Our eyes follow them as they went round the food outlet to the back where one of the cleaning boys was arranging the trays. There, the 2 minah sallehs threw the leftovers off their tray into the dustbin n arrange their own tray where the cleaning boy had. And non-comittally they left, making the previous gesture so natural n unnoticeable (perhaps we woudnt noticed if it's not for the minah salleh's Harem pants we'd been gossiping).

I looked at hubs & he at me. Something inside us churned with both admiration (for the omputehs simple gesture of cleaning their own tray) and contempt (at how we rather ate on a littered table n never thought of cleaning it ourselves).
Then Hubs,

"How can they be so civic n civilised in other people's country?"

"Coz that's just their way. It's who they are"

"And what are we?" (cam dialoque drama ke hape but yeah)

We looked regretfully at the scattering of leftovers and tray on the table around the KFC outlet to find the answers (though we had actually known it by heart so long ago).
I became squirmy with something like shame and ruefullness.

"It doesnt matter baby. We would start to make a difference today. Even just a little", That's my hubs, standing up holding his tray like a trophy. And i pushed my fists in the sky like a real (hot) cheerleader, exhorting him as he went around the outlet to the dustbin, modelling a minah salleh who wore civic mind the way she wore her nice chic Harem Pants- casually and quietly impactful.

And we thought that day, a little something inside of us altered. We hope it's the way we wanna do things just so the rest of us would benefit from it. Even if that benefit merely include a random person that day, who would happen to get the chance of sitting at a small empty clean table, for once.

*****

"And i'm starting with the man in the mirror.

I'm starting with ME"

- The late Micheal Jackson/ Man in the Mirror

Dystychiphobia

2011-03-10T20:15:00.000-08:00

And when i was on my way to work today, i was much delayed by an unexpected congested traffic. It never happen to such a wide highwayroad that was the very route to work which i take everyday. Never. And thus i suspected an accident.

Just a small one maybe. A small accident n nothing more. How forlorn i became to discovered later that it was really a tragedy.

Oh lord, oh Allah.

From afar i saw a white Hilux stopped astride of the road, the front end dangling down but it looked really a minor damage. It had spinned, i thought to myself & to see the horizontal position in which it stopped substantiate to be the cause of the severe congestion. But when i drove closer, passing 3 Police cars exactly, i changed my mind. There, laying flat on the road was a body covered with black plastic sheet. That set my hands trembling. When i casted my eyes ahead, a motorbike could be seen- crushed beneath the road divider and i said my prayer aloud. Oh no! so early in the morning. The guy must have been driving to work and never suspected that it was to be his last journey. Nauzubillah!

As i drove passed the commotion i thought of my hubs and Maikel, his scooter.

I thought of my brothers who all opted for motorbike to go to work just so they wont be stuck in the traffic jam.

I thought of the wife of the person laying on the road, of his mother and his whole family. How would they take the news later? Their husband, father or son was just going to work. They would fainted, had the biggest shock of the world, coz the son was just going to work. to work. Oh may he rest in peace.

I thought of how Allah is indeed the truest in keeping His words. Death is as unexpected as it is inevitable as have been make known by Him. And to Him alone i prayed that my loved ones would be put astray of a similar path and fate. If ever death should befall of them (and me!), let there be signals, let there be a proper place, let there be a peaceful death.

Most of all, let there be His forgiveness & blessing prior.

Coz as the way we die wont matter as much for the afterlife than that to the way we lead our life, still we are His weak servants, never perfect. Especially in thoughts and means. for all we know we might still fail to score a perfect ten while prepared, let alone if we were suddenly taken of our life unprepared.

What scary thought that is. But i'm grateful i thought of it while looking at a death of a stranger, and not at one of my own beloved. I thank Him. I thank Him.

***

"Because i could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me."

-Emily Dickinson.

P/s: this is written while my mind is still so full of the accident.

Music-tocracy

2011-02-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

It's normal for me to have songs of many languages preoccupying my mind frm time to time.

Of course they are usually English songs.

But at times i also have Malay songs, Spanish songs (many in facts!), Japanese songs, Korean songs and even Tamil songs playing in my head.

There's nothing strange about it when u like good music. Coz i believe that good music exist in all language.

Ngg. But it becomes alarming when i suddenly have this one particular song playing on my mind of late. To make it worst, i can even sing the chorus part after the first time i heard it. Errr.

Maybe the most worrying part of them all is how i'm finding the song's catchy at certain interval or overturn.

Seriously.
Somebody save me.

The unstoppable

2011-02-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/2/22/focus/8109546&sec=focus

Every journey embarked on has to be completed. No matter what.

I learnt that much from u.

Thanks for the inspiration, dude.

Finally...

2011-02-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

...a family business.

Hope it's worthwhile leaving Kg.gua for Glenmarie.

Che Ani, Umi, Abah n the rest of the clan,

Gambaru!!!!

January girls

2011-01-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to these cool people i'd always call besties:

1. 17th Jan - Baby
2. 18th Jan- Kak Shat
3. 25th Jan- Ctek
4. 28th Jan- Cher

May all the good things you guys ever wished for come true this year.

footnote: Weh, the thing that i can generalise about u guys january girls kan- u guys make a sporting friend. Waaaaa bodek. Tp mmg xde mkn dalam. Sempoi ah.

Muack sket!

A sorry avenger

2011-01-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Poignant sometimes, to look back in time, and to see how straight your back used to be, when the weight of the world was the heaviest it had ever been- on your shoulder.  Instead of feeling heroic, u experienced a pang of self-pity, a sharp spasm of something like regret.

Coz u remembered how spent you felt. How drained and depleted.

You just dont want to feel the same exhaustion again. You have had enough. Now, you wana be selfish, immature, childish and release the products of your pent-up emotions to other people.

It is time to let someone else play the role, to carry the burden for you.  Even if that person is unable to, this isnt the time to succumb to the needs of everyone else.  This is your time for dominance.  This is your time to peel the subservience off your body and mind. This is the time to shed your empathy,sympathy and sensibility away, far away. This is the time to be nonchalant and non-committal about all things right.

This is the time to die and breed a new you.

Even when you feel so bloody empty, you wish not to resurrect.   At all.

3 series

2011-01-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

Only God knows that the last 2 weeks were one hell of a fortnight for us and we felt so much like we're the forbidden lover of the universe. Things kept coming in our way each time we planned of meeting. What's with nazirs comin, Kamu's accounted on working weekends+public holidays, his revised schedules, his burnt tickets, our wasted hopes. Even i had taken my monday off, and had my deuter ready in the carboot as preparation if the case of his called-off cuti and burnt ticket happened to repeat itself.

But on the night of his birhday, Kamu's finally able to come home. And he was just so glad to come back, he'd either forgotten or simply couldnt care less bout the birthday part anymore.

Despite that though, we still tried our hardest to be conventional in celebrating the start of his 3 series year that night. So he couldnt skipped the candle blowing part or the part where he had to feign a surprised face (when i brought out the tiramisu whilst his blindfolded eyes).

He was more apprecitive of my homecooked dinner though. Awwh.

And i grinned like some spoiled cockle the whole time as he gulped his plate down heartily. That's my favorite man, y'all.

Later that nite, we spooned the cake into each other's mouth and talked talked talked & talked as we camped in front of our TV.

It was nothing like i imagined his birthday to be. No fancy restaurant. No expensive present. No big party.

But we're home. At last. The both of us.

And that's all that matters somehow.

(urgh, how tacky my flags look now)

*Upon arrival from JB.

Happy birthday once again, my main man;)

In doing what i have been doing long enough, just to know how to do it a little better.

2011-01-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

This year,

i'll try to dress better.
i'll cook more scrumptious meal for myself.
i'll practice on writing (and reading) meatier stuff.
i'll study harder or smarter or whatever.
i'll work harder too.
i'll watch my own back better.
i'll start on taking jamu and supplement vitamins etc.
i'll take better care of my skin & my hair (refer above).
i'll never again sleep with my contacts on.
i'll find a way to make abah agree on giving up his bad teeth for a nice strong gigi palsu.
i'll be less ignorant.
i'll smile to people more.
i'll be less judgemental. Espesially to myself.
i'll be a better soulmate to Kamu.
i'll learn to like gadgets (refer above).
i'll call my besties more often, or at least address them on FB.
i'll make more friends, even virtually.
Last but not least,
i'll not give up on having resolutions.
Ever.

Nganga

2011-01-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

I've sent our dirty Bond to the anneys to be snow-washed & vacuumed,

have scrapped clean the butt of our only pan,

have de-frosted the frost of our easily frosted fridge.

have sent our laundry to Ibu's to be machine washed,

have stocked enough food in the ice box for the weekend

and yeah, i've also grown some pokok bunga in the limited space of our compund

just as part of the preparation in welcoming you from your speculated long journey.

now Dear,

dont u think i have enough reasons here to be at war with your headmistress and all NAZIRs of the world; now that i thought i'd be better-off spending my weekend elsewhere??

Really, what are orderliness and niceties and food stock of the house,

when you cant be there to notice 'em.

Hins.

Of kingship and hairdo

2010-12-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

His thick, grey, parting-in-the-middle lock is going to be a hit and the latest trend, come tomorrow.

:))

*********

"Ramli: Raja mana?!!

Ajis : Raja Kapooorrr....."

-Seniman Bujang Lapuk

A losing battle

2010-12-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

In the process of finding who you are, i lose myself.

***

"Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven?"

-Eric Clapton

Rumah baru warga tua.

2010-12-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Baru xbaru sgt la. Yakuza hubby t'paksa menjadi Eric Leong.

Dan isteri beliau menjadi shoping advisor yg bejaye. Thank god it's Christmas:))))

Casa impian in a small scale. Ok la tu labuuuuuu. Pelan-pelan kayuh.

Bejaye.

Seterusnye house warming mini utk famili & rakan taulan.

Jeng, jeng, jeng.
Dan warga tua di surprisekan oleh suami berwajah yakuza, berhati emas. ahahaha. Sungguh mulia & terbilang.

5 December selalu indah.

Dulu. Kini. Selamanye.

We are 1 happy family

2010-11-30T07:47:00.000-08:00

Finally Kamu&I have found our first ~~house~~ rented-house. Weee.
Oh-so-happy!

But the happier persona in my life would be my wagon, Bond.
As starting frm tomorrow, he can just be a simple car, and no longer a dumping place, a shoe cabinet, a moving wardrobe or a reluctant storage.

(Bersepah pada skala 8)

Babai to these, says Bond and ME, happily.

Happily.

Diari Raya Haji Pak Encik & Mak Encik

2010-11-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

Mak encik blajar anyam ketupat.

Sbb kan kesenian semulajadi yg ada dlm diri, dah dpt buat ketupat yg agk baik pada percubaan kedua. *Tepuk lah sikitttt….

Err…. Tp mengambil masa 3 jam utk menyiapkan 3 bj ketupat. Xpe. Syabas mak encik. * Ok lah tu labuuu.

Raya haji di JB.

Pewitt abg baju oren slipa kuning yg sdg memasang kuda-kuda. Berwaspada lah terhadap papparazi.

Laki sape la yg rajin ni ish ish.
Beruntung bini dia naa….. ;P

Pak encik kite.

Setelah pulang dr qurban pak encik mak encik pegi mkn di luar pak usu belanja.

Sebenarnya hari jadi ibu.

Tp pak encik dan mak encik tumpang skaki.

Bagaimanapon.
Pak usu xkesah. Jd kami posing bersama mereka ini sesudah kenyang. Jaga2 dlm handbag tu ada makanan tapau mcm mkn take-away je. Biase ni. Gembira ttp gembira.

Salam aidiladha utk semua.

Hurrah to the Minah Pet in me.

2010-11-22T20:54:00.001-08:00

As of today,

My Synflex-free life has reached its 40th day.

Not a single pill.

Not even on a severe migraine day.

*bangga*

Layann

2010-11-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

I'm so jumping on the 30 days' quest's bandwagon.

Watch me.

Real and no kencing

2010-11-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

I walked straight to the car from the lib.

Straight to the co-pilot seat.

It’s only when I have fastened the seatbelt and slammed the door shut did I realized that I was alone, thus i should be the one driving.

Heck.

Sometimes I can be that mechanic.

This is just to say that- my sub-concious mind is missing you.

Light Jakuns.

2010-11-07T22:13:00.000-08:00

Meet them,

;))

To a certain prof

2010-10-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/20pregnant/Article/

We are no kuli batak. And you are no God.

p/ass/ass: though the article is just tempias-tempias only, but still.. it makes me feel triumphant for a bit.

Dance it like Diversity.

2010-10-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Been trying to show this dance group to hubs during the weekend, but to no avail.

First try- he was too sleepy to care

Second try- We overslept after we had breakfast. I had Youtube on and this video loading on my lappie, but soon as we woke up, it's check-out time. Blah!

Third try- My laptop hibernated on its own while we tried to load this vid again at a restaurant. (Bateri kong pulak dah n my charger mmg rosak2 ah cam siot je)

Fourth try- The wi-fi wont get connected on hubs' laptop (sanggup nih pegi amek hubs' laptop but we just arent meant to watch this dance group together coz tentibe the retaurant's wi-fi xnak register on hubs' lappie. ##$%&&!!!!).

So, here's my fifth try:

arent their choreography, idea n talent just give u goosebump? And their syncronicity? And their energy and commitment? And the fact that they are really diverse in size and age and ethnicity but in the dance act all of that become unnoticeable?

I miss to discuss this with hubs. We love discussing how people work on their differences and turn that into something remarkable. We would think it's both very grounding and surreal. It's both art and science. It's both lesson n entertainment. It's about both life and dream. It's consensus and something much, much more.

******

"Our similarities make us strong, but our differences- make us stronger"

-Diversity

All's bad that would end not-so-bad.

2010-10-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

It’s been an awful week.

A cold accompanied my Monday blues soon after I travelled back from JB.

Hubs had been thrown full-fledge in various activities at work by his superiors at that time. And I really felt rather feeble dealing with my minor cold fever without him constantly at the end of my phone line. Duh! Talk about clinginess.

Soon aftr I recovered from the-minor-but-bothering-cold, house hunting began. Every lunch break, I made sure that I was out driving up the neighborhoods to search for the to-rent/to-let-signages. At times dragging good friend along, at another.. bracing the act of a lone ranger. To my hearts’ content, I (and sometimes we) got a page full of house agents' phonenumbers, butttt the happiness didn’t last as the amount of numbers on the notebook page wouldn’t match the amount of potential houses that I could view. Most had been let go, and those that hadn’t, didn’t seem livable at all for a single spouse.

I didn’t feel like giving-up though. My brain had been seeing for so long these flashes of images of our first living room. Just a modest living room with basic furniture, but one that looked cozyly messy in the most artistic way. And in the images, I can see a lot of sunlights too. Hehe. And I can see hubs on the shaggy carpet folding our clean laundry, and me laying on the ottoman behind him, humming to his favorite tune..Err.. Hey, that could pass up as a scene in Up! ;DD

But of course the dismay and frustration of the week is about to end today. Coz today is Friday.
And soon today, i'll be able to fret about my house hunting fiasco & untended long gone cold fever to a real person who- would definitely take all the blames. ha-ha.

Isnt being a weekend spouse feels glorious at times?

Taking a break from doing much important works

2010-10-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Alba's 2010 look.

I'M THINKING OF TROTTING IN HER HAIRSTEP.

LIKE PRONTO!

(scratching my super-gatal head)

No fake positivity.

2010-10-05T02:26:00.000-07:00

It isnt so bad to be far away from your spouse.

as there'll always be a wonderful thrill with the thought of the coming weekend. Coz it's around that time that your love towards him got to be renewed. As in refreshed.

Regardless of the countless conversation over the phone, or the countless text messages all the weekdays thru, the meeting during weekends always manage to rekindle new rush, new heat, new tender moments.

And regardless of the countless fights, lest the countless tears. As uncountable as they are, you know u wont enjoy love so much when it's there, if u dont owe it to the absurdity and the animosity of the tears. Or most importantly, if u dont owe it to the distance.

It isnt so bad to be far away from your spouse.

as morning, noon till night, would be filled with rememberings. Good ones, definitely.

It isnt so bad. Not so bad.

To be that far but closer.

Coz u find and have, both the time for yourself and him, in ways more meaningful.

Assumsi

2010-09-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

Pagi td sewaktu drive ke ofis, nampak burung gagak menyeret bangkai tikus yang dah penyek ke tepi jalan.

Smpi ofis, rase pening2 nk muntah.

Saya & tikus. Xpernah sebulu. (Sebulu??? Aaaaaaa nk pitammm!)

Dan kwn2 ofis mula berandaian cliche':

"haih, dah ''double line" ker? Waaaa, cepat betol proses. Mesti kerja keras."

Hoh?

Depa tau ka tadi tikus di seret merentasi double line? (buat2 bangang)

Bye.

The taste of the sound

2010-08-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

Salty.
Bitter.
Thick.

Wet.

Apparition (black)

2010-08-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

Sesekali terase kental.

Buat blog dan menulis dgn perasaan-perasaan negative. Panas dan marah. Benci dan sial.
Perasaan yg sering dimangkinkan oleh satu image. Panggil saja ia a black apparition. Kerana beliau yg selalu menancap kebencian tanpa syarat.

Cuma sesekali lah.

Kerana pd kebanyakan masa hujung jari terasa ngilu dan basah.
Dada merasa mengah.

Hujan turun dari atap.

Resurrection

2010-08-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Only in writing that we can be what we cannot be, express what we dont usually get to express, say what we think absurd in spoken words, agree to notion we thought radicals all these while, celebrate trifles, condemn victory.

And those that read us, even if it's just ourself, said E.M Cioran, 'are invisible murderers'.

Therefore indirectly, we writers are- SUICIDAL.

But where else can we be so, if not in our writing?

Well,
but i just get to say this here.

Here,
where death isnt the only ending.